PAIN

The paperback document seemed so worthless in this decaying world however the man clang to it with dear life as if the paper cover could shield him from death. How he happened to come across the document in question was a story in itself but right now the man standing in front of him didn’t seem interested in stupid stories. “Leave me alone!” squealed the poor man who had just found out the truth about the plague that had ravaged the once relatively peaceful planet called earth. The truth was worst then the lies that had been spread by the media and the poor squealing man felt for some arbitrary reason that it was his duty to pass on the information contained within these pages. The other man however, had quite a different agenda and unfortunately for the squealing man was the one holding a pair of high caliber pistols. The squealing man was trembling but despite the obvious lack of stability in his legs managed to muster enough courage to stand up. “You’ll have to…”

The sentence was never finished. A bullet had made its way through the man’s brain and spilled much of the man’s vital liquid on the asphalt behind him. The body lost all vitality and fell to the ground quite suddenly. There was no look of surprise on the man’s face; the gunshot had been too sudden. A growing puddle of scarlet oozed its way towards the other man’s feet who stood there unfazed by the murder he had just committed. He slowly lowered his outstretched arm and safely tucked away the gun in an inner pocket of his trench coat. Everything was silent. A gun had just been shot in downtown Washington and not a single soul could be seen running and screaming. No curious faces peeping from their windows. No angry yells, no endless shuffling caused by large masses of people trying to get away from the dangerous weapon.

As the man stood there looking coldly at the puddle of blood he knew there would be no cops, no authority, no government that was going to come speeding around the corner to take him away. It was anarchy. Kill or be kill and right now he was on the right side of that age long doctrine. He bent down and grabbed the paperback book, now covered in blood. In a practiced motion the man pushed his shades back up his nose and examined the document. It was what he was looking for and the good news put a rare smile on his face. “Found it.” On the cover in small white letters was written “Lucas Grant, Ender of mankind”. This is what the book contained:

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My name is Lucas Grant. It is quite irrelevant however, for I am not here to tell you of me or of others I know. I am here to stir up your imagination, to stir up that brain of yours with thoughts and possibilities. What your about to read might shock you, it might even scare you but I assure you, that wasn't my only intention.

To start this off think of all the times you hurt yourself physically. Think of the countless times you hit your big toe on the side of your bed, of the paper cuts, of the broken arms. Think of all these things and then think of the pain you've felt most often in your life, once again remaining physical. Can you isolate a specific stimulus? I doubt it. But now imagine a boxer. A boxer whose literally got hit in the face thousands of times. Now imagine a boxer who just started and gets hit in the face for the first time ever. Which boxer will deal with the blow better?

It is obvious that our bodies have an adaptation to pain. If we feel repeatedly a certain kind of pain we get accustomed to it. The question then obviously became why does the pain get milder? The obvious answer would be that you can remember pain. That your brain reacts better to pain the subsequent times it is felt. Basically the theory was that your brain dealt with pain a bit like your immune system deals with diseases. Now, you probably know how pain works in your body however, if you don't here's a crash course. Every time a part of your body is stimulated by some kind of painful stimulus a signal is sent to the brain. Technically it's from the brain that you feel all pain. Pain killers simply severe the contact from the pain sensors called nociceptor in your body from your brain.

Therefore certain diseases that affect the brain cannot be prescribed pain killers. Pain killers become useless since the pain comes directly from the brain. Now if you process all the information I've just told you I can assume you understand I am doing research on pain and how the body/brain reacts to it. What we are trying to discover is a way of having access to this "pain memory" and amplify certain parts of it to be able to create a painkiller that literally works no matter what the case. Like most research our work had noble intentions. However, priorities have a tendency for switching rapidly. What is seen as noble originally can easily be replaced by something very different. This is my story, this is my legacy.

November 17th 2012

Unbelievable, against all odds we have finally found the "pain memory" we have been searching for. It is actually deep inside the reaches of the brain and extremely difficult to access. However, it seems that human beings are the only living things with "pain memory" and therefore testing on animals is impossible. After theoretical practice it became obvious that practical testing would be needed. It’s for the greater good isn't it? A breakthrough here could result in the eternal good for countless individuals who have no other hope. It would give people who suffer unbearable amounts of pain another option then euthanasia. For this grand result sacrifices must be made and I’m ready to take responsibility for those sacrifices
We finally managed to perform a human test and the result was very…interesting to say the least. We found that by stressing the "pain memory" with a slight and precise electrical current we could make the brain cells found in the "pain memory" react a certain way. We haven't really been able to pin-point the reaction yet but at least we get results from that part of the brain and it looks quite promising. The only issue, the only snag, the only problem is the actual result.

We started off with 5 test subjects. 4 are dead already. They all die the same way. The result which I was talking about, the promising advance that we had made might be an exaggeration. What we've managed to do is spark the "pain memory" to, in simple terms, release everything it's got. Basically every single scratch, every single broken arm, every single bruise, every single pain you have EVER felt in your lifetime all sent coursing through you in a single instant.

Scorched into my mind I can see the inhuman spasms of a man tortured to death. Forever in my brain I can hear those screams; they’re the inhuman sounds that haunt my nightmares. All the subjects end up dieing of shock. Their hearts simply stop beating. It's their salvation in a way I guess. I can't start imagining the torture that this must be. At first we didn't identify it as what it was but as we reviewed sensors and data it became obvious. The scream was just confirmation. I am serious I have never heard such a sound come out of any other human for as long as I have lived. It is truly frightening.

It is obvious that the last subject is feeling nervous. We are monsters. We just finished isolating the actual precise level of stimuli required to set off the reaction that we have observed in the 4 previous patients. We have become quite good at setting it off and we have created a special device that we will test on the next patient. The device picked the interest of the ministry of defense and they have sent a team to witness our next test. Next to me right now are General Carter and lieutenant Davenfree and a few scientists whose names I forgot. Behind me are also my co-workers who are just as excited about this test as I am. Were it to prove successful then our funding problems would be a thing of the past. This would secure our research for the rest of our lives. It was so important yet I couldn’t help but think. We are monsters.

The subject is strapped to a vertically positioned table to ensure that we see the full extent of the reaction. If only he knew what was to come he wouldn't be standing there with that submissive look. He would panicking but he seems to have accepted death however, what was coming was far worst then any death. It was all deaths combined in one instant. The device in itself was pretty simple and what it did was basically send electromagnetic signals through the air at a specific frequency. Basically it was an electrical impulse gun. The impulse was actually too small to be felt but if positioned right and tweaked a bit to make sure it hit the right part of the brain it could cause the reaction we were looking for at a distance.

It wasn't a bacteriological weapon, it wasn't a nuclear weapon but in a way I couldn't help but think of these as I made the last preparations. The subject looked straight into my eyes and I looked back. This man's suffering was my eternal salvation and I was as calm as ever but deep inside I was thinking of Robert J. Oppenheimer: "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." For the test the device was slightly more complicated then it needed to be. It would have been easy to make it work in a device shaped like a gun or placed in something like a bomb.

Everything was now ready and the countdown was starting, the countdown to the next level of warfare, to the next level of pain, to my economic security. Funny how those 3 things came to me at the same time and funny how personal gratification and security always seems to outweigh the rest when push comes to shove. Maybe I'm just a little man, maybe others wouldn't have continued this but I have accepted my decision and am ready to live by it. I am a monster.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1...0. not a sound was made by the device. Nothing exited the extremity that was now facing the victim. It was odorless, invisible and soundless. However, the unbearable scream and twisted facial features were unmistakable. It was like getting stabbed by a ghost, but stabbed for ever and ever. The military personal were obviously impressed and were already talking about the possibilities of such a weapon and then the fatal words were thrown my way: "Can it be made into a bomb?"

And this is when I realized the true nature of humanity. Here I am thinking of all these dreadful things. Here we all are and we have just witnessed a man literally tortured to insanity and to death. Here we are and have witnessed literally the most painful way of dieing ever conceived and the first thought addressed about it was could it affect people on a larger scale? And here is the sad reality confirmed by my immediate answer: "Of course, it would actually be real easy."

"Good..." In essence we are pretty pathetic aren't we? But what could be expected. We are monsters.

November 20th 2012

The American and Russian governments were particularly keen on our new technology. The Americans saw it as a salvation to their ongoing futile war efforts while the Russian's new president Vokenkov who brought back to memory feelings of the USSR and the cold war seemed interested in anything that had some form of military use.

Traditionally pain was put into two categories then measured on a scale from 1-10. Acute pain is generally easy to deal with and fix. It is the direct result of a certain part of your body being damaged and is cured when you’re cured. Pain killers are also very effective against this kind of pain. Chronic pain on the other hand is a lot more problematic. Often affecting the spinal cord or directly the brain, chronic pain is hard to localize and is often unaffected by pain killers. It is often a symptom of fatal diseases and usually lasts for long periods of time. Due to the new intensity reached through our experiences it was believed that not only a name was needed to signify this extreme level of pain but actual terms needed to be associated with the whole process.

The first part of our experiments to receive a name was what we codenamed "pain memory." As previously mentioned what we referred to as "pain memory" was an actual physical part of any human brain. To refer to it as a memory takes away its tangible reality. Due to the team effort required for this discovery a general name not including individual names was needed. I came up with what became the official name: Nociceptor Recollection Lobe or NRL for short. Secondly, experiments on pain made us realize very quickly that on 10 this new pain was at least 10 times worst then anything imaginable. Therefore, it couldn’t be characterized with traditional terms. Even the term chronic pain didn't reflect the nature of this new pain being neither long term nor a symptom. A new type of pain had to be created. The third level of pain was called Cruciamortis from the Latin for torture and for death.

What we had originally observed as the interaction between the NRL and the electronic pulse now called the LFD (low frequency discharge) was a fluke. It was unrealistic to believe such a tiny discharge could actually reach the inner reaches of the brain to stimulate the NRL. What was observed when the LFD hit the brain was probably one of the most powerful stimuli chain reactions ever observed. To say the brain goes crazy would be an understatement. Whether this chain reaction is the direct result for the NRL release or if the chain reaction is really just a symptom is still unknown. The LFD is an unusual electric pulse closer to static then electricity. It is luckily not found in natural form.

One of the biggest changes since our tremendous increase in funding was the urgency to find tangible uses and upgrades to the whole project. Research often faces such obligations however, it is new for me due to the fact that my whole life I studied pain as a stimuli-induced experience and not something concrete in any way that could have any tangible use. The first obvious use was torture. I'm not going to justify myself in any way, I can't really look back anymore so what's the point in avoiding the blunt reality. Death to Cruciamortis levels of pain are a certainty and are usually a result of extreme shock which causes a severe and fatal heart attack. Now here is the "interesting" part.

When in a specialized setting like for example a hospital or a lab, reanimations due to shock-induced heart attacks are possible with the use of adrenaline and shock treatments. Therefore, a person could in theory suffer from Cruciamortis and be brought back to life. The extent of a person's sanity and memory or just general brain functions after such an experience is impossible to know for certain just yet however, research will definitely be heading in that direction soon. Prisoners from Guantanamo bay should be arriving shortly. I wonder what these people did to be placed under my care however, I can safely assure that my research is 10 times worst then anything they could have done. Funny eh? They are going to be tortured to death while I carry on, filthy rich. Very funny.

Another interesting thing that we researched was the effect of LFD on CIP (congenital insensitivity to pain) patients. The fact that they can't feel pain at all is a result that the stimulus never reaches the brain. It is the reason why for example these subjects can still develop chronic brain pain. The interesting factor actually is that these people have never felt pain. Their NRL is like a clean slate, it is completely empty. As a result it was theorized that they could not experience Cruciamortis level of pain. However, due to the scarcity of this condition actual testing is near impossible. Also most scientists in my group believe that it is a minority that we can afford to ignore. I'm pretty sure our superiors don't think the same way and this research could bring us to a more interesting discovery.

This is what I am working day in and day out to perfect. What I believe to be the most important aspect of the NRL right now, control. Currently it is completely out of our control. It reacts how it's supposed to work due to a series of chain reactions however, in essence we do not control it. It's as if we decide to start-up a nuclear chain reaction in an uncontrolled environment, no matter how much we say we understand the principles and how it works it's still out of our control. We can't do anything with something so volatile. Like fire we must master it. What I want to be able to do is inscribe things into the NRL, potentially being able to affect CIP patients. I also want to be able to control the intensity of the NRL release. Being able to surgically implant a chip to activate the NRL on command would also be a useful thing to develop. Our research is just starting and the world can just sit and tremble as we come ever closer to torture in its purest and scariest form. It might be paranoia but I’m seeing shadows of the apocalypse at every corner. Work ethics have always been a dilemma in my field but I believe we are starting to transcend ethics and slowly stepping into something much bigger, much worst.

A new specialist was called to join our team. He’s the first scientist to be added to our team since we discovered the NRL. He is a Canadian specialist on nanotechnology. Apparently nanotechnology is the answer to most of my questions and I'm anxious to see what this guy has to offer. I have quickly reviewed nanotechnology's potential in diverse scientific papers and even though it has great potential for the future I doubt right now it is ready to work in such a complex environment as ours. However, the higher ups assured me that the true underground science is a lot ahead of what the science papers say. If the higher ups aren't exaggerating then the possibility of what we have created might bypass even that of the nuclear bomb. What kind of world is this that the nuclear bomb isn’t a weapon formidable enough? Where will this quest for warfare end? Maybe those questions would make more sense coming from someone other then the lead scientist of the project in question.

If nanobots are as advanced as they say then a quick distribution in a large waterway could get these tiny robots into millions of people in matters of days. Then a simultaneous activation of the LFD could wipe out millions without leaving a trace or showing blame. I don't know what my colleagues are thinking about all this and to be honest I have a feeling despite their great intelligence that they are very narrow minded and don't see the bigger picture. Can they be blamed for their naïve nature? Honestly who am I to judge? You can start calling me the Reaper; it's too late to stop me now.

We noticed something pretty interesting during our research. It wasn't an observation as much as it was a theory. We started thinking about torture using LFD and NRL release when a Russian colleague of mine pointed out an interesting fact. What if you had a NRL release but were reanimated. Would that pain also be remembered by the NRL? That was a very interesting question actually. We lack sufficient information to answer that question though. A bit like we don't have enough information to know if chronic pain is also felt during cruciamortis or if the pain is just an accumulation of acute pains felt through nociceptor responses. We also don't know the role of nociceptors in the whole process.

There are so many things we don't know but it comes from being unable to really test much without suitable subjects. Vokenkov came personally to our lab yesterday. He’s quite an impressive fellow however, I can't help but feel the ghosts of the cold war and of the old Soviet Union every time he breathes or speaks. It's as if his entire body resonated with the old passion of the red army. The fact that he goes around with an old general’s vest doesn't help the feeling at all. I'm starting to wonder if this new president's involvement in this project could worsen an already volatile situation. Most probably, but it isn't my job to ask these questions anymore. I just do what I'm told I guess. It just makes what I do a lot easier.

November 30th 2012

The Canadian scientist arrived a few days ago. He's a real character that man. Gregory Litwich is his name. He wasn't originally Canadian but he doesn't like to talk about himself so we usually don't start pointless chatter with him. He’s a genius in his field but God do we have a hard time with the fellow. At times we are sure he suffers from a bipolar condition, its nuts. However, a few days with him has already got me excited and at the same time scared about the prospect of mixing nanotechnology with our work. Indeed what Gregory has brought to the table seems 10 years in advance of what I had read about. It's quite surprising what these tiny robots can do. With what I have seen these nanobots do I wouldn't be surprised if they could be used to cure cancer. What is he doing here? The man has mankind’s salvation at his fingertips and here he is thrown to speed-up Armageddon. I don’t understand. Actually I understand perfectly and that’s what scares me the most.

The next day was very interesting. We received a group of prisoners with armed guards. Normally there were guards outside our facility but they stayed out of the actual facility. But now guards patrol everywhere, it's quite annoying. I have the feeling that at any time they could be ordered to kill me and they wouldn't hesitate a living second but why would they? I’m the biggest evil to have hit the earth since Satan himself. There are a dozen prisoners in total with a promise for much more if we need more. With them also came more equipment that was greatly needed.

The most interesting factor was subject A13. He was brought in after the prisoners and right away I figured out we had hit a gold mine. We needed a clean slate, a control group to test our experiments but no one has never felt pain and could be used as such a control group however, this patient was the answer. I noticed it when he stepped bare foot on a nail that had been lying around. He didn't flinch at all. He was a CIP patient. It was marvelous.

We created a device that calculates brain responses during Cruciamortis. During the release everything is sent out at an extremely rapid rate and it’s hard to calculate but with a very precise machine we have managed to isolate different types of pain to observe exactly what pains the dieing patient suffered during his life and basically in what order. The computer analyzes the responses and creates a basic output that can be followed. From the tiniest prickle to the bone shatters I can see it all. It’s surprising how easily I can re-trace a person’s life based solely on their pain. How important are good times if all I need to re-trace your steps on this world is the history of your pain? I find its pretty representative of life. Life is pain, there’s nothing more to it.

Now that we have everything we need we are ready for a very good month. Our first question was if chronic pain was stored in the NRL. We infected patient A1 with Lyme's disease and let it degenerate into chronic Lyme disease. He experienced severe Meningoencephalitis and was put through incredible pain. Soon after we nerolized (nerolization became the term used to represent the process of stimulating the NRL. Comes from pronouncing NRL with vowels) patient A1 and noticed that indeed chronic pain was felt during the nerolization process. It was obviously due to the fact that there was little difference to the brain between acute and chronic pain when it came to analyzing it. Not only that but the presence of nociceptors in the brain made it pretty obvious that it would react this way. The confirmation was a nice change though.

The next test we did was to nerolize patient A13. As expected the patient reacted negatively to the treatment. He was completely unaffected. This result combined with our previous test made us wonder about the role of nociceptor in the nerolization process. If we could make a patient whose nociceptors weren't present feel neuropathic pain (which is the disease of pain. It is pain without a stimulus. It is basically when the brain interprets pain due to nerve tissue damage) then we would be able to find a way to affect CIP patients as well. However, considering there are only 60 documented cases of CIP in the US and considering the irreversible damage we would need to cause to patient A13 we decided to wait. Patient A13 was way too useful for now. But eventually we would test that theory. It’s not rare for scientists to see their test subjects as mere instruments in their research. However, this is just something else. The readiness and unanimity in which the higher ups and us scientists put these people through inhuman torture is truly staggering. Such readiness to cause pain has probably never been seen since Mengele. Move aside Mengele, I am the new angel of death and I dare all to dethrone me.

The next thing we are going to try to do is add information to the NRL by creating false nociceptor reactions using nanobots. By making the brain believe that there is pain somewhere we can add pain to the NRL even though there is no actual pain. Also CIP patients who have no nociceptor would still react to this treatment. So we are probably going to slowly add more and more pain to his NRL so we can gauge levels and check the effectiveness of our treatment. Another thing we want to perfect is being able to clear the NRL of past pain. This would be for testing purposes but also to immune people against nerolization. This however, is going to take a lot of testing due to the complexity of this part of the brain.

Things are moving so fast. This new technology could do so much good but the only reason it is moving so fast is for the wrong reasons. Like I keep saying in essence we are monsters. We are capable of the worst and often with very little incentive. I really dread what the future has in store but like Einstein said: "I don't know what world war 3 will be fought with but world war 4 will be fought with stick and stones." However, I know what world war 3 will be fought with. I know, I created it.

December 4th 2012

We all know the saying that money makes the earth go round however; it's truly bone chilling to see it in practice sometimes. We were about to conduct some experiments on the principles of Pain Adaptation; the concept by which pain is lessened by an increased presence in the NRL. Basically creating useful pain killers against diseases that don't have any and/or in situations where traditional pain killers are not administrable. It was Vokenkov himself that came up to me and told me to stop what I was doing. I was very subtly told that what I was doing was not helping his situation at all and that I should resume my real research, the real reason I was paid.

I always thought no matter how horrific some break-through in science can be that in the end they all had positive repercussions at some point. The nuclear bomb became a huge advancement in understanding atomic particles and nuclear energy is considered by many to be the energy source of tomorrow. However, the research we are conducting here seems to be doomed to produce only negative outputs. Every time we try to create something helpful out of our discoveries we get very subtly discouraged by our main sponsors and are passively forced to resume our horrible experiments and studies. I’m not really surprised since I’m not stupid enough to have fooled myself that we were making anything other then a weapon but I still believed that maybe, just maybe, in the process we could do something, anything, good.

I must admit I am losing touch with human suffering. Seriously what is a brain tumor compared to seeing the twisted face of somebody experiencing Cruciamortis levels of pain. I don't think I'll ever be able to look with pity at a suffering man again. 2 more patients died due to our experiments but we are slowly getting a better understanding of the NRL and how to control it. Apparently when the brain processes information brought by the nociceptors it goes up the brain stem and into the brain. Once there it goes directly to the NRL. Then a quick check of the NRL tells the nociceptor if the pain was already felt and how it felt.

If the brain already dealt with a similar pain it immediately sends endorphins depending on the degree of pain and then analyzes the pain and deals with it appropriately. However, if the NRL contains no information on the pain brought in by the nociceptor then the brain processes the information and makes you feel the blunt force of the pain. Endorphins are usually released after when the pain is at its worst. During the sensation process the NRL becomes inscribed with the sensorial information for that specific pain for times to come. Obviously we are still unsure of the details and the actual precise degrees in which the brain interprets pain but we have done quite extensive advancements.

Another thing that is both good and bad is the use of these nanobots. Gregory has proved to understand our technology and principles very quickly. The man is obviously a genius however, he reminds me dangerously of a madman in one of those old Hollywood flicks. His latest invention, a nanobot that in theory can analyze the NRL by mimicking a nociceptor coming in with information. The nanobot can then keep in memory the information before going back down the body and recovered in the urine. The nanobot could then be inserted in a person's NRL and in theory could transcribe the information in memory to the NRL. The only problem is that we still have no idea how the information is engraved on the NRL and I find Gregory is going slightly too fast without much information to back-up his silly claims.

Well I'll be damned. I don't know how he did it but the proof is there. He managed to take a person's NRL information and add it to another person's NRL. It is truly fascinating. Just like that he has literally doubled a person's pain library for both good and bad. The obvious next test will be to try it on our CIP patient but that can wait, the impressive results seen today are sufficient for now. This makes 3 patients dead but when you think about it they weren't much better off in Guantanamo Bay. That’s an obvious lie but even I have to fool myself a bit sometimes. Hopefully they think these experiments are for the greater good. If they knew the truth to why they were being tortured I think they'd kill themselves, but wait…we are doing it for them, ironic eh?

I have started to notice tensions between both our main sponsors. Maybe having both of them part of the project at the same time was a bad idea. They often disagree on the course of action and this political tug of war is becoming really tiresome. Surprisingly the Americans are the ones playing it safe for now. They are usually more conservative on our experiments and don't mind if a little good can come out of our experiments if it can serve as justification in the future. Vokenkov on the other hand is looking for military practicality above all else and he puts a lot of pressure on us. It’s obvious he dislikes the Americans and he always seems to be muttering under his breath. Let’s just say I wouldn't want to have him pointing a gun at me. Ironically though, I can see it happening.

December 8th 2012

The tension is really building. The war isn't faring any better for the United States and the newly formed Russian party is exerting a lot of pressure towards military technologies. Both countries fear one another's weapons and they can both feel that the control of the nerolization technology is vital to imposing their dominance over the other country. The tension is felt all around the world but the true extent of everything happening underground is obviously unknown. If only they knew...

Things seemed to have slowed down the past couple of days even weeks but now things definitely have picked up again. With sudden deadlines marking the calendar me and my colleagues all have to work very long days to complete all the tasks at hand. 5 more prisoners in 2 days were killed in experiments. Considering we killed 3 in about 3 weeks you can see how quickly things are moving. The only one that doesn't seem rushed and always seems to be on break is Gregory. For some odd reason you can always see him wandering aimlessly around the facility yet he always seems to be a step ahead of us. Does the guy sleep for Christ sake?

December 21st 2012: Judgment Day

Oh my God....What have I done...

No matter how many blankets I pulled around myself or how many sweaters I wore, I was cold. It was the sort of cold that bore into your very soul, your heart, your every bone. It was the sort of cold that didn’t go away.

As I start there in my comfortable brown chair, I pulled my legs up towards me and hugged them under the blanket. It was useless. There was no defeating the cold that surrounded me. But at least I tried.

I thought about what it would be like if I was in the Bahamas or somewhere else warm. Would I still be this cold? But I knew that it wasn’t Canada’s cold climate that made the shivers down my spine make my body shudder entirely. It was the emptiness I felt inside, the emptiness that would only be cured if I could have one thing back. Love.

I narrowed my eyes at the mere thought of the word. Love. There was no more love in me than my old shoes under the stairs—They had been neglected for a couple of years now. Love wasn’t something that defined me anymore. I was out of love. Yet also… I was in it. I was obsessed with the idea of what I had lost and attempting to get back. But I knew that it was hopeless. He was never returning and I would never again feel the love I had when he was around.

Yes, that part of me was long gone. But what was I now?

I was… A nuissance. A zombie. There was nothing left for me now in any form of daily activity. Nothing held my interest and nothing made me happy anymore. I was a living zombie, other than the brain eating part, doomed to walk the earth until I could finally find what made me happy again. But no where on this earth would I find my happiness. I had given my heart away years ago and now it was gone… Gone wherever he had taken it.

I honestly don’t know where it was or where he was, for that matter. Where did people go after life anyway? Well, that was question that was too complicated to answer. There were many people all over the world who had their own theories. I wasn’t about to add to one myself. All I knew was that it wasn’t here and that it was a place far, far away. That was all that mattered anyway. The fact that he wasn’t here and that he was unreachable was enough to drive stakes through my heart every time I thought of him… which was very often.

I’d see a red car and think of him. I’d see a can of food and think of him. I’d even see the sidewalk under my feet and think of him. There were too many memories to deal with. I couldn’t go anywhere without being reminded of him in some way. May be if I locked myself up in solitary, there wouldn’t be anything to think of him at all. But I knew that even trapped in a white room, I’d find a way to be reminded of him somehow. Not to mention the fact that it was even worse when I didn’t have distractions to take my mind away from him… Even if they didn’t work most of the time. But if I was to sit in a room all by myself for God knows how long… My thoughts would drift to him faster than the time it takes someone to drown on a crowded beach.

The television was on.

I found the flicker and changed through the channels, my eyes barely even looking at what was in front of me. It was all boring and didn’t interest me at all. If he wasn’t on the TV, then it wasn’t interesting. Though I couldn’t see why he would be on it anyway.

Sighing, I turned off the TV and let the remote fall to the table beside me, my hand instantly going limp. I let it stay there for a few minutes, barely even having the energy to lift my hand again and place it back around my knees with my other hand.

This was pathetic.

I couldn’t even lift my hand, I was so upset! What would he say if he could see me now? Well, I knew that he wouldn’t be happy with the state I was now in, but that didn’t matter. If he wasn’t here to complain to me about how depressed I was getting, then it didn’t matter. If he could see me and tell me how disappointed he was, then that would be even better. May be I could catch his attention that way and he would somehow find a way to get back to me, even if it was just to yell at me about my current state. But that would be good enough for me.

I smirked at the thought of him coming back to see me, even if it wasn’t for a good reason. But it did sound like an awfully good plan.

But who was I kidding? Obviously he wouldn’t come back from the dead just to tell me that I was depressed. I knew I was depressed. He would know that I was depressed. And everyone around me knew I was depressed. They were just too afraid to say anything.
No, my brilliant plan was stupid and impossible. And then… my most recent hope died.

I somehow found the energy to get up, letting my feet fall to the floor first. My hands pushed down on my thighs as I attempted to get up with all of the energy I had left—which wasn’t a lot.

I needed to eat.

Walking into the kitchen, I absentmindedly opened the first cupboard to the left, looking through the contents of the food I had. There wasn’t a lot. I hadn’t gone shopping for quite some time, but I wasn’t very hungry anyway.

Picking up a box of Chicken Noodle soup, I examined the sides of the box like it was some foreign object that I hadn’t seen before.

“Hm,” I said with a sigh, taking out the contents and filling the kettle with water. This was just a moment’s distraction, really, but at least it was something. I didn’t know what I would do afterwards, or how I’d feel about everything anymore, but at least I could do this. This was something.